I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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