i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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