are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize