K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
