my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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