I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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