Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
