Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
