Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
