Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
