My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he was CRYING into my vagina
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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