She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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