oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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