somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
