If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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