im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
