my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
