So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
