im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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