I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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