Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
