Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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