you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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