Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
