How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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