So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Randomize
