Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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