1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
i think my cat just said my name.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
