I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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