I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize