I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
