she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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