just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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