My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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