everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
