Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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