It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
