and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Randomize
