I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize