After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
