Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
