I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
