so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
