Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
