You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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