I wish I could punch you in the face.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
