Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
