My liver just broke up with me...
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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