Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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