she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
