my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
