Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
