Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
