JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
