My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
