From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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